a good selection? touché mom, touché.

not too long ago i had a day filled to the brim with quality human beings. in an attempt to pass time while b was getting his hairs did, my mother recommended i stop by the old kmart. i told her it's not the classiest of joints, and her come-back of choice was that they have a good nail polish selection.

i give her credit, there was some good stuff...but the true gems were walking/riding around the store.

on my mission, i was able to witness a woman unwrap and i can only assume steal something from the cosmetics department. pealed that crackling clear plastic back and sat it down nonchalantly on the shelf. obviously wasn't in it for the thrill...

but that's not all...while contemplating the quality of opi over sally hansen, i was slightly entertained by an extra large and in charge woman. i glanced over to see her on a scooter that was draggin her sorry self at a measly .00001983 mph. i go back to minding my own beeswax and next thing i know i'm getting stared down by the bohemith. this time she's leanin on her cane...and out of the corner of my eye, i see the skinny kmart worker zoom off on that exact scooter and come buzzing down the other aisle...the girl got off and told the woman, "this scooter might work better." no, no it will not. i would've fallen for that 49 years and 33 boxes of peeps ago....maybe.

so i finallllly picked a nice shade of matte blue and got in line. mind you there are only 2 partially competent people checking in this decently sized kmart. so i wait.....and wait....and listen to a couple ask each other back and forth on repeat for 6 minutes whether or not they should buy the $7 extended warranty on their sons new motorized jeep. the girl behind the counter is slurring and asking questions verbatim from her training manual about a kmart credit card. nobody is listening to anybody but they all keep talking!!!!!

in a fit of adult onset add, i busted out of line and went for a lap around the shoe section. low and behold, another diamond in the rough. i'm pretty sure this fellow had ocd and had a little voice in his head telling him that if he didn't try on every pair of men's shoes and walk up and down the aisle 3 times without steppng on any tile cracks...his great aunt's cockatiel would die.

so i return to the lovely check out aisle, cool, calm, and collected only to find a grandma, mother, and toddler...all three under the age of 35. i look over at the girl on the g-ma's hip and the poor little thing had ringworm on her face. either that or she woke up from her nap only to find she had been lying on upside down bottle caps all morning. so of course they want to pay half of the bill with coins. then the teen mother has a change of heart and needs both the blue spiderman and the pink barbie socks. i'm all for gender neutrality....but for crying out loud.

eventually....i know right?....it was my turn and after explaining to the checker 3 times that i did not want to start a kmart rewards credit card for my nail polish purchase....i was free to bathe myself in hand sanitizer.

a little disgusted with humanity and my mom for sending me there...i vented to steve about the trials and tribulations of my kmart experience. he then let it be known that i could experience this classiness everday at a little site called.....

www.peopleofwalmart.com

i think i'll stick with targét...and yes, there is an accent on that.

p.s. sorry if i sound extremely judgemental in this post...it's only because...i am....in a funny way. i am truly sorry that the woman got fat and the little girl got ringworm and the man with the ocd probably got foot fungus from trying on every shoe in the store.

: )

after my usual procrastination, this is my first shot at a blog. i partially blame my english degree for burning out my ability to voluntarily use correct grammar…so prepare yourself for an overuse of ellipses and a serious lack of capital letters.

so…welcome. hopefully you won’t judge me too much for my occasional case of sailor’s mouth or my eccentric tangents. i haven’t quite decided if this thing should have a theme or not. actually my official decision is - not. my life has no theme or pattern so why should this?

i am motivated to get out of bed every day by my urge to pee (what? it’s true) and by the possibility that something amazing or hilarious may happen. more often than not, i get one or the other.

this is my attempt to share some of them...